Transformation is a tricky game.
About two weeks ago I woke up and said 'I'm out. I'm done.' In a frantic rageful energy I proceeded to pack all my belongings, which was no easy feat because I had three huge spaces to pack up; my art live work space, my commercial office space and my newly attained house in south Seattle. I had been contemplating leaving Seattle for at least 10 years and thought that I would never really gather the courage to ghost that town. What happened? Many things that I will explore in more detail in the coming months through this blog in my attempt to heal, unbind my soul and search for my north node. That's all for another blog. This here is to tell and explore the tunnel experience I have just come thru. The events that took place in the last few months that led to my ability to gain the courage to uproot and leave.
The love of my life, the soul of my being...left me. I thought we were going to be forever together and he had me believing that his love was so deep as to marry me, but that too was an illusion. At the same time, a dear friend lost their mind and energy to stay present in their soul and I felt deeply abandoned by both of them. That abandonment triggered me into a place of deep sorrow as to wanting to end my life. I have felt this before in my life, but this trigger was like the straw that broke the donkey's back. I cried for like 5 days straight, because I felt that I had loved them both so deeply and neither one of them could feel or accept my love. I felt that I had been myself with both of them, that I had desired so many positive things for us all yet due to their own struggles and life challenges they could not see my heart. I felt so misunderstood, judged and torn apart. The day I woke up and made the choice to leave Seattle was the day my intuition said enough is enough. Sometimes, the tunnel is so dark that the light can't come through and you find yourself walking as if blind through a haze of pain. That was how I felt that day. I felt that these systems in our country force people into this haze of pain and I knew that at that very moment all three of us were experiencing the exact same pain and struggle at the same time. I do not blame them. I do not blame myself. All I know is that my deep sadness from this deep knowing hurt much deeper once realizing that it tore us all apart to the point that we could not even love each other anymore.
That's when I knew I had to make a huge change not in my life but in the way I perceive things in order to save my soul and that many of my friends would not understand or would feel as if I just made this choice brashly. I was an emotional wreck. The only thing that saved me was my tarot, daily meditations & affirmations, and engaging in the intuition of my spirit guides, four corner guardians, and relatives that have left this 3d plain.
I want to explain the pain. When you walk hand in hand with your emotional energy it's difficult to separate the pain from the reality of what you were placed on this earth to do. I have never really felt understood and have had many tunnel moments, but this one was different. This one was deeply transformational at the core of my being. I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis to the tenth degree. The only focus I could gather was to make a solution around how to find peace, solitude, and a space to heal. I felt like I had to choose; was I going to continue to allow the negative energy of others and my surroundings to hinder my life purpose? or Was I going to try to find myself, my strength, my hope and move towards the unknown into a darkness I wasn't sure would ever end? I don't know how I held onto hope or even if hope was present in my thinking at that moment. I have no idea how I found my way out of that tunnel. All I know is that somehow I found the faith to surrender and to allow the universe to guide my actions.
I chanted daily, 'What is meant for you will never pass you by,' and 'Rejection is god's protection.'
Here I sit thousands of miles far across the country from where I came from on a rural piece of land in the middle of nowhere with chickens, deer, donkey, hawks, dogs, horse flies, dragonflies, butterflies, spiders, bugs I've never encountered before and my best friends family. For the past two weeks, I have been meditating every day, eating healthy, working on my business ideas, and finding my center again. Seattle, its systems, beliefs, and its people took a real toll on my energy spectrum and I feel that I have been blessed by divine timing, that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, tho I have miles to go before I can see what my purpose is. For me, that's a start. For me, that's the point. When others' understanding of you no longer serves you, you must find your own understanding. All I know is that I am so deeply grateful for those two; my lover who dumped me and my friend who abandoned me...because they were the catalyst that I needed to find my place in a world that dishonors black women, that affords us no space to heal, no allowances for our true emotions and that says we must be nothing not only to others but also to ourselves. I am deeply grateful for those who came to my rescue, who stood with me even through their own dramas and trauma. I am deeply grateful for the path I have chosen to walk, as it has brought me closer to myself, closer to my gods, and closer to the universe. Thank you, god, for helping me to understand, that sometimes you must let go to let be.