In the past few months I have been thinking deeply about hope. What is the definition of hope? According to Webster's dictionary Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen or a feeling of trust.
After being diagnosed with graves disease during a pandemic, I started to wonder how can I survive this? I mean after all graves is an autoimmune disease, right? So I started feeling very isolated in my own skin wondering if I could even find courage to be around people anymore. It almost felt like a death sentence with much fear involved. The research I have done has been frightening and disturbing but deeply hopeful at the same time. 'How can that be?' you may ask. Well, for years if not decades I have been misdiagnosed with having depression and so many doctors really couldn't help me find a solution. Nothing worked. At times I thought that maybe it was because I was African American and they just didn't want to take that extra step to really help me. At other times I just thought that maybe it was because nobody cared because I was not rich enough to afford that type of caring. So many times I just gave up and threw all my anxious energy into painting and my art career. I gave up on loving relationships feeling as if love was just not for me, that I was not born in this time to experience love. At times I felt like the only purpose I had was to be a creator of hope for others and that I was not supposed to experience moments of hope for myself. And still at other times I felt like the universe was guiding me on a path that was so unclear to me. That my intuition had taken me to dark places of the soul searching for clarity.
It wasn't until I had lost like 32 pounds in the span of one month did my doctor suspect Graves Disease. That's when it all clicked for me. After the endocrinologist prescribed thyroid medication my life and my health and my identification of self improved drastically. I could settle my mind. I could actually sit in one place. I could see a future where I was a valid human being. Working towards peace in my soul became my only destination. After living with graves for more than a year now, having a mental break down and spiritual shift in my consciousness I came to realize that I am worthy of so much more. That my life matters no matter how others have treated me or how I have been experienced by others. I am finally at my normal weight again. One day I woke up and said I'm done with the city, too many energy vampires there. I wanted a place where I could settle my mind, find my peace, and regain my soul. Currently, I live in the country where nature is all around me. Where on a daily basis I am moved by dragon flies, birds, trees, deer, snakes, butterflies, horseflies and the slight breeze of the wind. I wake to sunshine and the smell of clean air. Finally, I feel like graves doesn't control me but I control it. This change did not come easy. I lost many friends, lovers and people I thought would always be in my life. I've had to reconcile what life truly means for me. I've had to come to terms with a way of being that is slower yet more peaceful and satisfying.
I've learned that my angels, my guardians and soul tribe are always with me, even under the most daunting circumstances. Currently, I am reevaluating my place in the world and how my intention to be light, be love can help others find their place in the world. It is taking me to a place of empathy, of kindness and searching for ways to be more kind in situations where I feel like my guard is up. I've learned that I can determine who I want to be and not be forced into anger. I've learned that the only thing that matters is how your heart evaluates life. That I have always had a good heart whether people have seen it in me or not. I've learned that it doesn't matter what others think of me only what I think of myself and if my intention is equal to my actions of that intention. I care deeply for nature, the planet, the world around me and those in my life. I've come to understand that the only thing that matters is love. Giving it , learning to accept it and learning to be it. Graves was a huge wake up call for me. It gave me the hope to find myself especially in difficult times. I am learning to traverse my greatest fears of being alone with out deep understanding. But I've also learned that it doesn't matter if others don't understand me only that I understand myself and that I be able to verbalize what that means to me. To be able to walk in confidence, caring and a deep knowing of myself. So, yes I guess I have finally learned to not only trust my intuition but to grow a deep knowing of the trust I have for the universe and what is meant for me will never pass me by.